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unwantedemotion
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Name: The Dude
Country: United States
State: California
Metro: San Diego
Gender: Male
Interests: living a lift devoted to loving people as God would have it. understanding that the more i think i know, and have things figured out the less i truly do. constantly seeking knowledge and to experience new things.
Expertise: music.
making people laugh.
making out.
and knowing i'm truly an expert at nothing.
Occupation: Roadie for Invisible Children
Message: message meEmail: email me
Website: visit my website
Member Since:
5/20/2003
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| i'm at such a weird point in life right now. i think i'm in love with one of my best friends. there have been feelings buried for some time, but in the last few months these feelings have peaked for her into what they are now. i want to be with her. i want to take care of her.
she is one of my very first thoughts in the morning and always in my last when i fall asleep. i care more about her than i do anyone else in my life. even going a day without hearing her voice makes my day that less bright. i would give anything and do anything for her. i would travel the world a hundred times over if that is what she needed me to do for her to be happy. she gets me better than anyone else in this world. she is there for me. she supports me. she builds me up and is there when i fall. without a shadow of a doubt she is the very best thing that has ever happened to my life.
but can we ever be more than just friends? can we dig ourselves out of the place we are in now and explore the possibility of romance? will she ever understand? every day that goes by i want to tell her and every day i don't. i'm scared. i don't want to lose her from my life. but the question is can i continue on feeling this way and just be her friend? i don't think that i can. i don't think that these feelings will ever stop. if anything they will continue to progress until i have to walk away. the irony is that she probably wont want to hurt the friendship; she wont want to lose me, but in turn she will lose me because i wont be able to continue on. how will i live with myself if i always question though...if i always wonder of what might have been.
i just don't know what to do. i'm lost for words. i feel like no matter what i'm going to lose her in the end. there is no good conclusion to this predicament.
i love her.
i want to be with her.
i don't want to spend the rest of my days wondering 'what if?'
i know in the end i'm going to lose her....
much love...
p.s. this doesn't mean that i'm back xanga. just feeling nostalgic.
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| dear miss so 'n so,
the year has drawn on and the leaves are finally changing. i find myself curling beneath my blankets to stay warm and it reminds me that winter is right around the corner. look, these letters are never easy so i will just come right out and say what i have to say. for the past year you have been my everything. you have been my hope, you have been my strength, you have been my peace, you have been my life. i have invested everything i have into you. i have invested my worries and my fears. i have invested my mistakes and my accomplishments. i have invested my love and my hate. you've had it all. and while i can honestly say that i love you more than i've loved anyone i've ever known, it is finally time for me to say goodbye.
you see for the last year i have taken my eyes off my life. i have forgotten what it means to live for other people. i have forgotten what it means to take care of the poor and to feed the hungry. i have forgotten about the tattoo's on my arm that exemplify everything i want my life to be about. i can't go on living this way and it is time for me to put my focus back on that. hopefully when i go to africa this summer i'll be reminded once again of what that all means.
when we first met i still looked at God as my direction and my hope, but somewhere over the course of the year i forgot that. i put that in you. something that is utterly and completely unfair. in the last few weeks with the help of some wonderful friends that have loved me through my grief i am finding that again. and in finding that again i have found peace and joy and hope and love that i have been lacking over the last few months.
i don't want you to think that i blame you for any of this. that is furthest from the truth. it is and will always be completely my fault. i have control over my thoughts and my emotions and what it is that i put my trust in and where i find my strength. asking for you to be that for me is completely unfair. i couldn't expect you to be the fix all for everything going on my life. that is not your responsibility and it should never have been asked of you.
and in the end i failed you. i wanted to be someone in your life that could show you pure and unconditional love that was selfless and pure, but i failed at that. i hurt you beyond repair. so while i could sit and look you in the eye, apologize a million times over, beg for you to believe that i never meant to hurt you, that what i did does not represent who i am, that i truly do love you...i cannot change the way you feel and end up just hurting myself more begging for you to believe it.
so this is me saying goodbye. maybe you'll read this letter, maybe it will go along the wayside. i love you. with all my heart. i would give anything for you even my life. i never meant to hurt you and you have done nothing wrong to make me feel this way. it was my fault for making you my god and worshiping you in the end. it is time for that to change. i am no good to anyone in the state i'm in, but i'm trying. maybe there will be a day where we can have some sort of friendship again, but for both our sakes i don't believe i can let you be what you once were to me.
i wish you the best, with everything. i will never stop loving and praying and hoping for the best in your life. i hope in time you figure out everything you need to figure out. that you truly understand your selfworth and that you deserve nothing but the best in this life. the potential is there. its scratching at the surface. you just have to choose whether you will let it out or keep going the way your going.
you are worth the sun and the moon. someday you'll realize that.
love always,
your bestie.
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| when do you say 'enough is enough?' when do you finally let go of hope? when does the dream of what something was supposed to be simply become dead? when do i finally admit to myself that words are mere words and it is in the actions that we realize what's true.
my heart is too beat up. i hate the emotional ups and downs. i hate going to bed at night questioning. i hate falling my way through the day wondering if those mere words will be turned into actions. but what hurts more than anything is when i fail to admit to myself the truth...it was over before it even started again.
i can only give of myself so much before i run dry, before i am all used up. i've tried to prove myself, to prove my devotion, to prove my care, to prove my love. but i guess there are just times when love isn't enough. i refuse to give and to give and to give only to be pushed away and away and away.
i've tried enough.
i've loved enough.
i've given enough.
i've prayed enough.
i've hurt enough.
i've cried enough.
i've fought enough.
and in enough i find nothing at all. things would have been simpler had you just told me the truth, told me what was really going on. i wouldn't have wasted so much....for nothing.
"and there comes a time when you must walk away though your heart's still beating..."
i am not alone. i have rocks to lean on. i have strong pillars of support. there will be no vindication for you. you'll never try to get answers. you'll merely carry on in the same fashion you are carrying yourself now. cold and alone. you will find a way to blame me in your own mind, but hopefully you'll understand that it was you and your actions that have driven me here. i did everything i could. though i'm sure as always you'll pretend this never even happened and carry on pretending to be okay when deep down inside your life is in shambles, you just refuse to admit it to yourself.
tomorrow i will be okay. i will have peace. i will be moving on like i should have done forever ago. maybe someday you'll find exactly whatever it is you are looking for. i hope you do.
but for me and my time...
enough is finally enough.
much love...
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| and like out of a cold dark dream she has come back to me. no more slumber to hold her heart away from my eyes to see how truly beautiful she is. with months spent repressing that which kept me from feeling more than what lie skin deep, i have lost the ability to hold back.
as i laid down by her side last night to watch her fall asleep i realized in that moment that it has been her all along. in meeting julie from norman, i thought what scared me the most was that she seemed to be too perfect, but what scares me the most is that she isn't her.
this isn't the cold hearted version that i had known since march, this is the girl that i instantly became friends with, the one that i saw the good and the love that was deep in her soul and knew that she would be a part of me forever, the one that i fell for with such true feelings.
why God would you allow me to feel this way for someone that i cannot have? why would you allow me to feel true love for someone that in time you knew i could never be with? how do i go back now? i spent so much time and strength and effort repressing feelings for someone merely because they were not themselves. but now she is back and she is showing me love and affection back, but she made it quite clear last night that i am only a friend.
how do i live with this God?
what am i supposed to do?
i don't think i have the strength to repress my feelings for her again. especially since the one i fell for in the first place is now back to me.
i am lost and confused and my heart is hurting so bad right now. i have never felt love for someone the way i feel it for her. no one has ever done this to me before. and i am stuck in a place that leaves me derived from any true idea what i must do.
what must i do?
much love...
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| well i held you like a lover
happy hands and your elbow in the appropriate place
and we ignored our others
happy plans with a delicate look upon your face
our bodies moved and hardened
hurting parts of your garden
with no room for a part
in a place where no one knows
what we have done
do you come
together ever with him
is he dark enough
enough to see your light
do your brush your teeth
before you kiss
do you miss my smell
is he bold enough
to take you on
do you feel like
you belong
does he drive you wild
or just mildly free
what about me?
well you held me like a lover
sweaty hands foot in the appropriate place
we used cushions to cover
happy glands and the mild issue of our disgrace
our minds pressed and guarded
while our flesh diregarded
the lack of space for the light hearted
in the boom that beats our drum
i know i make you cry
i know sometimes you wanna die
but do you really feel life without me
if so be free
if not leave him for me
before one of us has accidental babies
for we are in love
do you come
together ever with him
is he dark enough
enough to see your light
do you brush your teeth
before you kiss
do you miss my smell
is he bold enough to take you on
do you feel like you belong
does he drive you wild
or just mildly free
what about me
what about me...
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